 Old Copywriting
Click here to visit the site live
 New Copywriting
Click here to visit the site live
Take a look at the two websites above.
The first example on top is the previous copywriting I had for Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires and the one below is the new version I’m currently using.
As you can see there are slight changes to the formatting, color and, if you visit the site to read the copy, small changes in the content as well. So now this is where you come in.
Because I sincerely believe that feedback is crucial to one’s success, I’m allowing myself to be open to your feedback on what you think is brilliant or bad about the new copywriting compared to the old one.
Feel free to participate and place your honest comments and feedback below and let me know what you think.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you take a look at the two versions:
- Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
- Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
- Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
- Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
- Which version ‘seals the deal’ and makes the order?
Also I’m holding a contest for this. I’m giving away the full Secrets Of Self-Made Millioanires program to 2 winners who give the most valuable and helpful comments and feedback about the copywriting.
So let me know what you think by placing your comment below and you could walk away with the prize.
hi,
i still feel the orginal one looks better. Coz the blue IRAS form looks very blur.
Hi,
By reading the latest updated version of your copywriting, it actually makes me want to scroll down further to find out more about how you make such a big money in the ‘Other Income’ row. Furthermore, by providing the Income Tax webpage, it denitely telling and proving to the world that this guy is really earning what mentioned on web page header.
However, it will be better if you can provide some number in the expenses to make it look more reality because by just provide income number won’t convince some people. Some people will not believe that there is no expenses for deduction. Anyway, this is just my feedback because I am not familiar how the tax system work in Singapore.
Actually, I prefer the old copywriting. In the new copywriting, a black background with text in the white foreground seems unprofessional in today’s standard of web design. The contrast is also not really soothing to the eyes.
Your proof of income at the beginning to convince your potential customers might not really be effective also. Nowadays, many internet marketers also shows their clickbank, CJ, Adsense earnings. Sad to say, some of these “proof” are fake. Smart consumers knows that such earnings may be made up easily by using photoshop.
I feel that your newspapers featuring you are very good testomonials. It would be even better if you could take more pictures of yourself in your own company (akltg) and post it in the new copywritings. Let the readers know that you really have your own company. The picture that you have inside, which is the “wealth academy” , does not really shows you inside. Such pictures really shows that you are really successful in real lives and not a fake “guru”. Maybe you can place your newspapers articles on top first rather than your income proof.
Hope my few comments are useful to your website. Thanks!
Hi….
Just to give my 2 cents worth. The new version looks more appealing, as it actually does show a actual income tax statement. Of course this adds credibilty to what you can share with others, and I believe that this will be the general opinion of many other people. However, I decided to point out the cons (in my point of view) so that you will benefit more.
(i) The headline sounds a bit too cliche and exagerated. Of course, because you are well known in Singapore, local readers will believe the headline. However, to the international readers, they will NOT be attracted to this website as they would think its a scam. Also, even the income tax statement might be photoshopped, so that takes away credibilty.
(ii) The headline is too emphasized (capital letter for every word). It distracts the readers. For example, which one of the following statement will deliver the message more strongly?
Statement 1:
“Welcome To The Wealth Academy Seminar, Results Guaranteed!”
Statement 2:
“Welcome to the Wealth Academy Seminar, RESULTS GUARANTEED!”
In my opinion, capitalization of the correct words will attract appropriate attention, instead of trying to attract attention by capitalization of every first letter of every word.
(iii) Its a good idea to lay the testimonials inbetween the page to encourage the reader to continue reading, but in my point of view, the webpage is a bit too long for an average user to scroll through. Is it better to incoperate some links to allow a reader get required parts (eg the order of the merchandise, the testimonials etc)? Or will it be more easy for viewing if the testimonials, home, order, contacts to be arranged conventionally? The newspapers articles can be at the home page to add credibility to your products.
(iv) Will it be better to use a flash entrance with a attention grabbing headline to attract the readers?
(v) I got this idea from another website. White letters against a black background might be more visually attractive than black letters against a white background. It will allow a reader to sub-conciously concentrate more on what you had written.
(vi) The link where the reader clicks to order the merchandise is too tacky. It seems like an intro to a porn website.
>>> Click HERE for Instant Access!
Hmm… I guess there is a word limit to the comments?
Aniway, that is all I can think of, will update in the future accordingly
ps: for a website with white letters against back background, you can go to the following a sample website below to view….
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sideways
A lot better, I mean the new copywriting than the old copywriting.
I read the new one first, The combination of colour is simple and the
content is comfortable, what I like most is the REAL committment, passion, Empowering Knowlegdes Adam have gained over his 15 years in Education.
I means his journey is not full of pleasures but only solid and comprehensive experiences of exploring, Learning and consistent Actions. Adam Khoo believed it strongly and he made it as a young
26 years old which many peoples believed that to be successful at
26 years old is almost 100% mission impossible if you are starting from scratch at his starting time…1991 in business & Education.
Like other peoples, Adam built his Dream together with his devoted
friends, working partners, Trainers, Most importantly is Family like
Katherine Sia… They are his sources of wealth, how about You?
I respected Adam khoo because of his Life – Changing experiences.
He is Real. we are peoples and some peoples may think he is arrogant
and business profit minded in the old copywriting, I was part of Adam’s
pattern of Excellence – whoosh 19. I assured you, Adam & Stuart and all
of AKLTG coaching Team really makes sure that you benefits more than 100% . They are not Perfect but they are the best of Best with their consistent dedicatation that can’t be measured with…your money!
The only reason that they worked so hard is because of YOU only!!!
They want YOU to succeed in your Life.
The most important person can help you Achieves abundance of wealth
is YOU, my friend, even you have Adam Khoo’s knowledges or even all
the money you needed to implement your dream…BUT…!!!
I, myself is now undergoing tedious process in changing myself now.
I aim to implement my dream, I want to do something to bring the other
families closer together but lacking of so many things like resouces and contact with experiences. so Focus on your outcame or result lah!
Money is only temporary…values may goes down…buying can be more
Expensive. Money is an Empowerment, use it the Right way…Good
but there are living proof that money destroyed relationship, career…
in the newspaper. Q: what is meaning of money to you?
In general, I Trust Adam’s new copy writing because it is consistent in conjunction with his Empowering Lives, Designing peoples’ success Misssion, very Real and relating to his experiences and business closely with Real life stories from failures bouncing back now with thriving business, business & sales peoples strengthen Adam with a Happy testimony from…Dr Leong, Professional psychiatrist,
you knew they are always Right!!!
He leverages relax young & rich from active employment and he is
truly committed by showing & giving You 100% of his wealth creation
strategies and more…A lot More!!!
I feel that He would be always there for YOU in AKLTG.
Most Important is Adam is able to trigger your desires and boost your
motivation in his new copywriting, his buzzword is Starts taking massive
Actions now, plenty of Action… You are already starting Now by reading
Adam’s blog. so I urged you to Read his secret of self – made millionaire
use the many strategies as often as possible…
Only with consistent Action and feedback, then you are able to move toward that kind of success he is enjoying now…step by step…success
My experiences with guru like Robert kiyosaki, Dr Dennis Wee,
……… Robbin, …….. Tracy, They had been through certain Hard knocks
in their certain phases of their Life and they succeed, so can YOU!!!
Our Lives are Precious…Treasure our Time & Take Actions Now!!!
Hi Adam
Jiayu here, how have you been?
Answers to your pointers…
•Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
JY says: The original version makes me want to scroll down and read more. Firstly, there is a photo of you and this makes me feel that there is a real person talking to me as compared to the later version where I am greeted with a statement, it is a “so what?â€.
It would be better to place the statement after,
“The point I want to make to you is that I made my money first, before I ever taught anyone how to start earning their first million bucks.â€
Followed by testimonials.
•Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
JY says: The original copy, mainly it is due to the colour contrast between the copy and the background.
White and light grey is more soothing to the eye as compared to black and white.
•Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
JY says: The original copy, the flow is there. First a greeting from you, your photo, followed by a Dear Millionaire- To- Be as compared to Dear Friend.
I felt the greeting would connect with your final offer of “The Secrets Of Self-Made Millionaires†package.
Followed by the back up that, hey you are really walking the talk by showing the newspapers clips, books.
And you inject a F’ree gift fot the reader who has read thus far.
Followed by your personal story of how you have gone through the ups and downs too.
** I would suggest that a few of the testimonials be placed before you introduce your package, it would entice me to, “hey show me!â€
And followed by more testimonials and I am sort of ready to fork out the money and I am just waiting for the price to be announced.
•Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
With regards to this, the new version of copywriting did better I felt. There is this table where you list each item that your potential client is going to buy and state the total perceived value for the entire package and you slash the price to a reasonable fee.
It makes me think that I am at the losing out if I am not buying, because its stated clearly all that I am going to get, $958 total value for not even $197 but $97
•Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
As a whole it would be the original version and with touch ups and add ons from the new copy, it would make me a very happy customer =)
I hope this helps (“,)
Cheers!
Jiayu
Hi.
I still prefer the old copy one thing because it shows your picture,
for me, that would make people reading your website more trusful
in you because they see you . The latter is just one of those web marketing
stuffs.
Newspaper testimonials is appealing, so long that they are true.
How YOU can be a millionaire, from the guy who made his first million by the age of 26. The first step is to listen to this audio introduction FREE!
What would you do with a million dollars?
Retire now?
Take the holiday of a lifetime?
Buy your dream house?
Get the car you always wanted?
All of the above?
233 people who bought this course became a millionaire within 2 years.
Find out how YOU can do this too!
etc.
Sorry, one more bit got missed out in the post above:
have the free audio just under the line ‘Find out how YOU can do this too!’
I think the audio is great, and could be a fabulous motivator to get people to buy the set.
Cheers!
I like the first one. At least your picture is shown and it looks like it is a real thing. Presenting your pay check is very common these days and there are many fake-ones.
Thanks.
Steve Seah
Hi Adam, while reading both sites, I couldn’t help but wonder if it is a coincidence that the format greatly resembles Derek Gehl’s site. The narrow width, yellow highlighting, loads and loads of testimonials, putting the offer up for a limited period of time, offering incentives for instant action, offering a full-money refund lest they decided to purchase the product in a spur of the moment. Quite well done I must say. However, is it necessary for there to be so much to read? I feel that both sites are too long! I can imagine a regular office worker coming across your site and deciding to check it out but having second thoughts as the boss might notice, and then dropping the idea. Also, there are certain features of both sites which I personally like and dislike. I’ll start with what I like and dislike about the old site, then the new site.
I like the white vs. grey background as it is easier on my eyes. My eyes did not feel as strained and tired after I finished reading the whole site as compared to the new site. I think the NUS print is good to keep, it gives credibility and you leverage on their reputation and credibility. For the phrase “You Do NOT Need To Give An Arm And A Leg To Swipe The EXACT Blueprint I Personally Use To Become A Millionaire By Age 26†, may I suggest having just the first letter of every word in upper case? It looks more presentable and neater. Also, I noticed some grammatical, spelling errors e.g. “This amount is only reflects my personal employment income.â€, makes the site rather unprofessional. Also, try making the articles available for reading by hosting them? The “THE LIFE! BESTSELLERS LIST†image is a tad too small! I like the multiplicity of pictures and it may be a good idea to have more pictures since humans are very visual creatures, aren’t we? And I think red black white yellow makes a perfect combination, leave the orange out.
On the new site, first thing I noticed: too much black, so much so it strains my eyes. Contrasting but tiring. I like the checklist form of showing the components of the program. Short, Concise, Sweet. For some reason, rather catchy too. Probably because it alternates between boldface and not. Although the old site presents it this way too, it isn’t as catchy as it is with the new site. I like how you listed everything out towards the end of the site, it sort of like sums up the whole chunk of what I will be ordering, much like a conclusion in an essay.
All in all, keep the testimonials, have audio if possible. Keep the pictures, host them and more if possible. Host the articles so we can read them. Keep the white vs. grey background as opposed to the white vs. black. Check the language.
P.S. After reading what I’ve written, I couldn’t help but notice that it kind of resembles a GP essay. My apologies if it’s rather dull presented in this way but I’m a JC student and this is as neat and presentable as I can present it. Thank you for taking time to read my two cents worth.
I hope I don’t sound too critical here but the 2nd one is really not up to standard black background against white content area very very straining on the eyes especially with the color combination. newspaper articles all chunked up in one area when it could be spread out as the reader might miss out on them easily. Newspaper adds to your credibility you should sprinkle them through out your copy and add more emphasis to them by making them slightly bigger in size.
The text on the 2nd one is really too tight..all clumped up one look and I don’t even feel like going through the website at all because it looks too wordy and not spread out evenly. Thirdly, adding figures such as $20 million in sales etc. makes e copy look fluffy because there isn’t any concrete evidence there at all of this. You should put stuff there which are solid. The IRAS income statement is a very good idea though you might want to make the image clearer(i can help you with that I am a web developer and graphics designer).
You might also consider adding audio to your sales copy to make it have even more impact on the reader because it gives them e feeling of your presence there with them. Powerful tool for sales if you ask me. Another thing you might also consider is adding video testimonials as they triple the impact.
I think the overall copy is good but you need to work on the aesthetics of your page layout but for the moment I’d go for the first one because I think its easy on the eyes more aesthetically well balanced and tempts you to read more without being very bombastic.
I hope this helps Adam..this is not personal I really like you as a coach and I am just giving my opinion.
Warmly,
Arvind
The newer version (Green) is better.
The appearance is more professional and appealing, catches the attention of people. Aimed for the 1st kill !
The contents were better such as it gives good guides to build up financial success e.g start by having good millionaires habbits to create, preserve and re-generate wealth. The 1st pot of gold always comes from saving whatever being retained, no matter how little it is or how long it takes. Wealth building requires a strong purpose,foresight, discipline and perserverance.
The book was reasonably well-written, not boring and not too technically difficult. Compared to financial textbooks written by professors, your concepts, though basic, yet serves more practical purposes.
Secondly, it provides reasonable yet basic advice as to how to allocate your money to basic paper assets. Reasonable for a beginner. Should highlight the need for good financial education.
These factors basically caught my attention from the book. I strongly feel these are qualities of a good book meant for meaningful educational purposes. And if, i were to recommend a similar book , these would be the reasons to help someone pick up his financial destiny.This is a good start for a book to put it on the continuing top-selling list. Some strategic enhancements to bring across basic ideas would make newer versions worthwhile a buy, a best seller.
Hope these honest comments would earn me a free book. Then i can spend more nights studying it.
Hi, Adam! As a person who has a Masters Degree in Advertising & Public Relations for over 33 years, I think that the SECOND web site is a definite improvement over the first EXCEPT that I would place your photo of yourself at the top of the copy like in the first site. Creates more credibility.
I want to congratulate you on your book as I have been a student of some of the top wealth builders in the world – Tony Robbins for two years, Marshall Thurber for two years, Bill Thaw for two years, Doug Beakman and Dick “The Blindman” Mailman, etc. It is concise and the worksheets you offer with the lessons are well thought out and simple to use.
You are an inspiration to the young and the old!
I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING EVERY SINGLE EMAIL YOU SEND ME BECAUSE I AM SO IMPRESSED BY WHAT YOU HAVE ARCHIVED AND WHAT YOU TEACH .MY SON AND DAUGHTER (are still in school) ARE ALSO FOLLOWING YOUR TEACHINGS AND READ YOUR STAFF EVERY DAY .YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO US
Hi Adam
To me I think you need to mix and match the two.
I prefer the simplicity of the orıginal’s heading – black font with a few important words in red – no highlighting or underlining.
The photo is a must – earnings graphics do nothing for me.
You look likeable, you are in front of a laptop and you are wearing casual clothes so this says to me that you are approachable and are livng your own life style because of the freedom your computer gives you.
Keep the $936,522 earnings figure because it’s current. I don’t care what you earned last year – maybe you are out of business now 😉
It’s good that in the 2nd version you put Mei Mei’s testimonial near the top. Plus what she achieved was good but not unbelievably great.
Keep “The 7 Steps to Financial Freedom” Audio near the top because we need a WIIFM to keep us reading. The new $47 value is better because these days a $27 eBook is usually cheap and nasty so a $27 audio must be worthless.
The newspaper cuttings are great because very few online marketers get such coverage. Maybe even put them right under the heading
“How a Juvenile Misfit … now earns …. and is in the newspapers more often than Madonna”
Hope this is useful for you.
Regards
Martin Luxton
Dear Adam,
Here are my thought on the questions.
-Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
I would say that the layout for the new copy is more interesting and compelling because the main message is delivered across more strongly. However, the sentence after the tax form can be highlighted in certain areas. eg. fool-proof and upside down to emphasize certain points.
The old copy come across as more friendly as it shows your picture. Therefore, you could amend the new copy by adding your picture first and shifting the tax form after the sentence: skeptical? see it with your own eyes… together with all the newspaper cutting which make it more organised. Letting people see you first then allaying their suspicion is better than putting the tax form without showing yourself. It will make people recognise you when the newspaper cutting are shown later.
-Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
I think the old copy is easier to read and comfortable as the colour matching has less contrast. However, the font of the new copy are good as they are more attention grabbing and help me to focus when im reading and its also easier to read.
-Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
The new copy is more focused as it do not show so many pictures that could distract the reader after the convincing part is over and make people concentrate on the writing. For the benefits, i guess both is about the same as the writing is more or less the same. It more of the layout of the whole thing.
-Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
For the old copy, by putting the testomonials together would seem appear to be more convincing. However, you could put key testimonials in places that are desirable just like in the new copy. You could add some audio to the testimonials that people can click to hear. It would be even a better idea to record a short audio of yourself speaking that play when the page loads. It would be more credible and convincing.
The new copy is longer due to the larger font used and i think its a good idea to include more buy now links. Although there are some links included, i dont think they are striking enough as i miss them when i just glancing through the copy. So making the buy now link more noticable would be useful.
The new copy is definitely more compelling as the page seems longer with the bigger fonts and the reader would think that there are more bonus being offered. A summary of all the bonus given is also good as it make it look like a no brainer for them to give up on this offer after reading so far. At least, it would have instilled the desire to buy in them.
– Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
By making the appropriate amendments to the new copy, i think it would definitely be a more convincing offer and would seal the deal. It a good idea to include the free cd offer at the end of the offer to collect email address so that you can follow up. I think it would be a good idea to have a popup window that shows the cd download when the page loads as it more likely to generate opt in which you can follow up subsequently.
Hope all these comments are useful!
I bought a copy of your latest title “Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires”. Only one comment -‘Invaluable and simply awesome’.
Hello Adam
Briefly speaking I prefer the new site to the old one but that could be more because I find the black background easier on my dull mind!
You asked for it so here goes:
Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting? — Old one
Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is? — New One
Regarding the other three questions you ask, I feel both sites serve those purposes equally.
What changes would I suggest? Firstly, add your picture (you use in the old one) to your new one but have your picture to the left with your text to the right and around the picture. Also create a better quality graphic of your tax return (on top of the site) with a link from the picture to a new web-page that opens in a new window offering signed proof of earnings from your accountants. This takes care of the doubters who may not believe you — for those who want to know more.
I would also use this (above method) throughout the web-page to shorten it. I feel it really is too long — but what you have to say is important — to bring home all the “benefits” and “ease all the doubts” of your visitors. By cutting down the web-site to an interesting story with just one picture of your story in just one of the newspapers but with the option to see more (for those people who want to see more) by clicking on that graphic to go to a new window. This should be done to the entire site with the product and bonuses too.
I feel you should really have (and keep) everything you do have in your web-site in the way of content — but not all shown on the same page all at once. For example have two testimonials side by side — and if one wants to see more let a whole long page of testimonials open for that person. I believe some people want to know everything about some things — not every thing about all things — as your site is now.
For now, that’s it — I’m not going to bore all your readers to death today!
I think the first sales page looks better. It looks warmer and more human – your picture is there right at the top.
what you could change about it is the big white gap next to the picture – make the text flow down the right of the picture.
Otherwise just do a split test!
Hello Adam,
I’ve been paying close attention to your salespage for quite a while.
— and why would I do that?
That’s easy to answer…
Because you have a fantastic product and some great copy on your page.
Let me answer your questions, one-by-one.
You ask:
* Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
My response:
I can tell you without hesitation that your original page has a lot more appeal to me for more than one reason.
1. Your second page graphic is too fuzzy and looks a bit “cheesy”. I have seen too many other sites in the past few years that have similar graphics and they are usually on “get rich quick” sites.
Your site and product is definitely not this at at, so don’t lower your standards by appearing so to the viewers.
2. On your original page…
Your smiling face builds instant rappport with your audience because it is putting a real person in front of a skeptical audience. I shouldn’t have to tell you that the majority of websurfers have their guard up.
When you put your picture at the top (like you’ve done on the original page), it lets me know that you are not hiding behind a fake identity… You are real… you are happy (because you are making money with your system)… and you are a winner. Just look at that smile… very confident!
3. I don’t like the “Dear friend” on the second page because it is overused and has lost its power… on the original page you say, “Dear Millionaire to be”… excellent! Because you are honing in on your target market.
You ask:
* Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
My response:
As I’ve already stated, the graphic is too fuzzy and is even a HUGE distraction from your powerful headline and subhead.
I also think the black background is too much of a distraction and has too much contrast to the white page. True that black background tend to pull better in conversions, but as far as straining the eyes goes, I much prefer the greay background on the original sales page.
You ask:
* Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
I will say that I do like the testimonial up high on the page (like you have on the second (reworked) page. Besides, look at the smiling face on that beautiful girl… she is very happy. People that visit your site know instantly that she is excited about your program. You can see instant results and benefits when looking at this testimonial.
I will say that I think you should put at least four or five bulleted benefits up high on the page… pick the best benefits you can think of and show them off to your reader.
Let them know that these benefits can be “their” benefits!
You ask:
* Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
My response:
I will say that both have great offers, but the original seems to be cleaner and more enticing than the newer one.
You ask:
* Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
My reponse:
Although the number one sales letter has better visual appeal, I like the way your number two closing says:
“You Get Instant Exclusive Access To The Secrets Of Self-Made Millionaires 7 Component Program, All The 12 Fast Action Bonus CDs And The Kick-Start Action Manual all for Just (US$197) US$97!”
I can’t duplicate the crossed out $197.00 here, but I think it is better to have the crossed out (original amount) followed by the discount amount.
In closing, I would like to say that both of these sales letters have great elements in them and I would create a hybrid of the two.
Of course you know very well that the only way to really know which one sells better is to test, test, test!
That’s all I have for now…
I wish you much success my friend great job!
Hi Adam,
The new one is better. The red catches your eye immediately. Also, the yellow highlighted section draws you in.
However, I find “And Now Earns X A Year” (in the old version) to be more powerful and compelling than “And Earned Y Just Last Year Alone” in the new version.
You have a bigger number and less words in the first and so it has a bit more punch. Since the average of what you earn a year is bigger than what you earned last year, I feel it is more compelling, and it also requires less thought and explanation to understand it.
Overall, since you have 3 seconds to grab your scatter-brained visitor (people online have the attention-span of a bug), I think the solid red, the highlight, and the bigger number will be the most compelling.
I believe those who prefer the old are those who are already part of the converted. It gives them a feeling of familiarity and reassurance. But since the headline is for new people, not those who already know you, I think your new one has more elements to attract attention.
I also think that you are definitely on the right track with this whole concept of testing and asking for feedback. A winning strategy.
Best,
Saleem
Hi Adam,
Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
In terms of color, the first live site looks better. However it can be improved. Personally, I feel that this site http://adam-khoo.com/?p=40 is the best of all 3. Both sites are too long.
Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
Color therapy reveals that when black and yellow combines together, it gives the feeling of danger. (Think radioactive, scorpion). Soft colors will make it eay on reader’s eyes.
Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
I especially like the “There are 7 main components to this program”; in which the red tick in the box really attracted my attention.
Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
The 2nd version makes a more compelling offer.
Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
The 2nd version will make me want to take up your offer.
Dear Adam
First of all,
Thanks for sharing your ideas and know-how over the internet and via the books that I had purchased, I am inspired to write my book and eventually it will helped others in a way it is intended to.
Now you Copy writing,
For the old copywriting, it is not appealling mainly because the Red highlighted words/short phrase does not call out to me to read further. Maybe the color combination does not match well over the background.
As for the photo, maybe it has been on your website for way too long, gives me the feeling that it may be old information or similar thing I had read.
Now for the new copywriting, I am looking straight at Millionaire by age 26, mainly because the words is enclosed by yellow and all those red words became just another background when I glance at it before I am caught by the Millionaire by age 26.
As for the attached IRA statement, great idea, many times when I listen to those marketing talk from MLS, they always show me a cheque they made, I really wonder if it is real as they were all photocopies. I do believe that you will not forge a IRA statement.
So it does conclude that I do click on the link to read more, however when I do scroll down, I lost my focus and didn’t read further. There is something I cannot figure out why yet.
That is all for me now, I hope you will increase your passive income further after the improvement.
Hi, Adam
1. most probably i think the new one will draw my attention to read some more, its beacause in the new one you have attatched wif a strong testimonial to boost up and prove that your product is work and its been tested, yet if can, i mean you can put the testimonial together, because what i think is the main thing that will make me want to know actually what have made them success is the testimonial itself, and this create a curiousity in me want to find out more and more reason how they did it.
2. For me, the most comfortable to the eye and easier to read and allows me to focus on is after the part that you want to talk about how you started to make your millions… cause i believed that people more interested in HOW TO make million, and whats the tools that can help them. Furthurmore is that when i come to the Announcing
‘The Secrets Of Self-Made Millionaires’ Program! and scroll to the 7 main components to this program, i really dont feel like want to read it and just skip that part… cause I DON’T LIKE TO FILL IN THE BLANK, Im here to see your product and know more about your product but not to fill in the blank, it’s really make me frustrated when i tried to read yet i DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER, maybe I’m stupid… who knows. Anyway, if you can give me that book as a gift, mayb i will cosider to fill in the blank with the correct answer.haha… just joking…
and i discovered that when i reading your new version, my eye feel kindof tire, i think maybe its due to the font & background color.Maybe a soft colour will be better, such as light blue or light green.
3. I think both also will build up and drums the benifits to the reader. cause after read it, i did learned to change my mindset if i want to be success like you. 🙂
4. the new version will create a more compelling offer for the reader, cos its shown out the actual price for both of the products, but you sell it at US$197, and now you sell it at US$97 only with a promotion price.
5. I think the new version will ‘seals the deal’ and makes the order. Why??? i don’t know, I just think so. But i haven purchased yet. BY the way, i decided to buy your book ‘Secret Of Self-Made Millionaire’
Anyway, I kind of admire you, you are really a good YOUNG SELF MADE MILLIONAIRE example in Singapore.
Hi Adam,
It’s ok if I don’t get your prize.
Both copywrite actually sound “exagerrated”, not convincing, and pretty much standard.
Why? While the headline says about making millions of dollars, the website doesn’t really look like millions dollars.
I have seen many other people offering courses or “secrets” to becoming a millionaire and in general they use the same technique: loud headline, loud colors and lots of text. Derek Gehl’s IMC for example.
If I may give a suggestion, since you’ve already built a strong reputation in Singapore, and that you’ve already hit the million dollar mark, you could use a designer’s service to enhance the web designs together with your reader comments, even though your webpage is just a few.
No, you don’t have to use Flash or any fancy animation or fancy website designs, just Keep It Simple but more enhanced, more befitting somebody who has millions of dollars.
Cheers
AT
Hi Adam,
Personally, I prefered the new version as the dark background color make reading more focus compared to the old version.
Maybe you can add a small pop up window at somewhere along the copy to remind readers to sign up for your stuff.
I supposed your target audience would be international. Maybe having some comments from other international readers / customers maybe more convincing as some readers might felt that the ideas in your book maybe only suitable for our local context.
just my 2 cents comments.
success and regards.
jeff
Hi Adam, below are my thoughts on your 2 versions of your copywriters:
1) Firstly, I just did a small test with my brothers – I sent the old version to my younger bro and the new one to my elder bro. Their response were independent of each other. My younger brother read line by line intently, read 2 of the testimonials, and all the way till the end of the page. On the other hand, my elder brother read till component 3 of program, dragged the side scroll bar downwards, and decided it was too long. He exited the page without even scrolling till the end.
2)Firstly, I feel the heading of the version1 is more eye-catching because of the value. $936,522 is way more impressive than $549,078.40. Yes, it is still a huge sum, but really doesn’t “WOW” the reader as much.
3)The biggest mistake in version2 is not having a picture of yourself! Guess your designer may have missed that.
4) News articles are the greatest testimonials, and so MUST stay. It will be good though if people could click on the artcles to enlarge it, or be directed to an online source for it. (esp if you want to add credibility to foreign readers; most Singaporeans of course know you). You can also add the date of the publications as well as the newspaper name. Remember the recent article about you that came out in the Sunday’s papers several weeks ago? You have to include that too, as it not only adds credibility, but also the date of the article speaks volumes. People love updated stuff, so that will show that you are still in the headlines today.
5)Version2 doesn’t include the books that you have written or co-authored. With the pictures of these books, along with the bestsellers list from Life! for these books, you absolutely will NOT come across as some half-baked author. Would it be a good idea to include the current book “Secrets of self-made millionaires” too? In fact, I think it is a good iway to advertise these other books, as I myself have gotten the other 2 books from the 4, and intending to get the 3rd when I saw this sales page 2 months back.
6)The testimonials in version2 seems to be all over the place and unorganised. This disrupts the flow of the sales page. I feel they should all be placed at one part of the page. However, do not put too many testimonials as I think most people don’t really care about these ppl unless they are known. (skeptics may even think these guys don’t exist) So, it would help if you can have testimonials from some well-known people.
7)The content describing the free bonus package is more than that of the main package in version 2 I feel that more focus should be placed on the main package rather than the free package. The one describing the free package in version 1 is brief and good.
8) The content of the packages is way too long in version 2. People will glance through as it is too wordy. The bold words don’t help if every alternate sentence is made bold. Instead, you could use the yellow highlighting like in version1. This grabs the attention of the reader.
9)The picture showing the recent wealth academy in version 2 is definitely much better, as it is larger and most part of the photo is filled with people. Also, the pic in version2 shows happy,excited,motivated and energized people while that in version1 shows “sian” people. Again, you can put the date at which the wealth seminar was conducted. Including links to ALKG’s homepage to show the seminars that you conduct can be very useful. I was very impressed when I visited that website. It would also be good if you can have a picture of yourself standing beside the logo of your company ALKG, with the description – founder of ALKG. Shiok!
10)The part on “Skeptical” You don’t ……own eyes” must be in RED. However I looked at it, the RED text for this is definitely more striking. It doesn’t stand out to have it black against a black background.
11)”You need to take actuon right now” is better in Version1 with better, eye-catching fonts. The fonts in version2 are small, boring, lengthy and without highlighting. Looks like a chunk of words with no focus.
12) The recap part (Lets Recap This. Here’s the Total Amount Of Value You Are Going To Receive) is very good. It works great because it provides a summary of what the person is going to get, after being overwhelmed by the amount he has read earlier.
13) Put an audio in the sales page where visitors can choose to click to play. Afterall, giving speeches to motivate is your forte and you absolutely want to use this asset of yours to convince the viewers instead of a whole page of words.
14) You have to offer another kind of payment mode – Local bank transfer (POSB/UOB direct bank transfer), although I don’t know how you can automate this. This is a must as you could be potentially losing a huge amount of revenue from this group of people – local teenagers/students. Majority of them do not have a debit card, and are under 21 to apply for a credit card, so they won’t have paypal too.
15) I did a word count on version2. It amounted to over 13,600 words! In your book “I am gifted, so are you”, you mentioned that the power-reading speed is b/w 600-840 words/min. That would take a power-reader 16-22 mins to read this. But an average reader with a reading speed of 240-360 words/min would take 37-54 mins! A salesletter shouldn’t take too long to read as most individuals won’t want to spend too long reading a salespage (like in the case of my elder brother who left the page without even scrolling till the end). The salesletter definitely has to be shortened alot, and engineered to capture the attention of the reader in at little words as possible.
PS: I don’t know about the color themes, but the above should be corrected as they will play a bigger role in conversion rates.
Best regards,
Desmond Foo.
Several things pop out – at first I like the layout of the new, however several things pop out. 0 expenses is certainly one. On the old the blank space on the right side looks incorrect.
For me the two letters have their goods and bads, the ideal will be the first one but using the description components in the second one.
Thanks
I felt that the old one is still better than the new one as the old one give a bit of mistery of it and lure reader into searching more and find out.
give it ” first impressions” touch
like slogan or something that can always be remembered by your visitor
like ” new Version is Come for your Income ” or ” click here to be millionaire ”
hope that will improve somebody’s life…
Hi Adam and everyone!
Here’s my humble opinion:
The old version is much more interesting as there are pictures of you and your products. A picture is worth a thousands words as the saying goes though the new copy is visually appealing as it shows your income statement.
Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
I reckon it’s the second one too because after seeing the figure on the income statement, people will be curious as to how you achieve that.
What kind of work do you do or business and how did you succeed?
Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
I feel that new one is just as good as the old copywriting.
I agree with Derek Ghel that as long as you write interesting copywriting that captures the audience’s interest and their desire to know more, readers actually WOULD read long “salesletter”. I say so because this is how I respond to long copywriting, as long as my attention is captured because I enjoy what I am reading. I mean, your fans and readers read your blog cos they enjoy it, it really doesn’t matter how short the article is.
Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order
The second version definitely achieves the above 3 effects b’cos of the income tax statement. People like to hear and find out how you get to where you are today, your success story. I feel that coupled with the testimonials, the flow of the copywriting is there and will lead to the “closing” which I reckon will highly increase the chances of people buying.
I reckon the new page will be a more direct straightforward, kind of (forgive my language), quoting one of the best American salesman from the book “Tips from the best salesperson”, “Just sell the darn thing!”
No fuss or gimicks and just give the readers what you intend to help them with.
I hope I have helped answered some of your questions and thank you for reading my comments!
I am sure you are already on your way to improving your copywriting!
Go go Adam!
Cheers!
Hi Adam,
I have been a fan of yours for almost a year now. I prefer the original version better.
1. Even though there are some parts of the new version which I like, for example, the part where it shows the cost of The Secrets Of Self-Made Millionaires Total Program: The Normal Price and Today’s Price. It helps me realize that the program is really a bargain.
2. One major and important thing which the new version leaves out is to put a picture of you right at the top of the site just like your original version. It is your face which can creatre credibility to your site and makes people want to scroll down to find out further. The new version also does not contain the print ad which you did for the NUS. Like I said, these are the things that will increase your credibility which finally can help viewers to seal the deal.
This is extra information to help you to be even more successful in your business when you apply these 3 marketing tips:
1. Overt Benefit
2. Overt Credibility
3. Overt Differentiation
I would reccommend you to read up on The 3 physics of marketing. Hope these information can help you in choosing the right version.
PS, even though if I did not win the book, it would be great if you can give it to me for free as I am your die heart fan and I believe with the book, I will be a successful person in the future. And believe me, if I am successful in the future, I will recommend you to those I know. BTW, for your info, I have just started a home based business
after hearing all about changing my mindset and having the right strategy.
Your true fan,
Muhd Fauzi Abdullah
Hi Adam,
Nice work there. As you have made such a tremendous effort to advertise yourself therefore I will make an equal amount of effort to give my two cents worth.
In general I will go with the new copy writing because first of all the Income statement speaks for itself. Although it is in Singapore dollars, I believe the overseas people (i believe should be for US market) will want to earn an attractive income like you.
The initial stage where you mentioned that ” I know you are sick and tired of all the website thrown….”.. I think this is not a good way to start because you are already creating a negative emotion towards your own proposal. What I feel is that you should always amplify your positive statements and reduce the intensity of any negative comments. To show the contrast of the negative aspect vs the positive aspects, you might want to consider posing it as a QUESTION (for the negative remarks) and use the positive remarks as your SOLUTIONS…
The next partwhich is your news paper articles, you may want to emphasise that the cuttings are all from the mainstream papers (as the overseas market people may not be aware where it is from) … If you have articles that are published based on foreign magazines like the peak or Time, then it will further enhance your creditability. I think the article with michael jordan ( i think) is a good one…. name the source.
Next all testimonials should be accompanied with the company name so that readers can take reference from it.
For the fast action bonus disc, I can certainly feel that you have explore all the values it can bring to your clients. However the contrasting tone of bolding and normal fonts makes it visually unclear. If I just glance through the screen, I will only take notice of those in Bold, so if you want to maintain the same style, then all the most important points must be in bold and the normal ones can act as supporting points….
Of course although I feel that the layout is very long, I strongly believe that you have done your studies about the market to find that this is acceptable… As I always believe that different market respond differently to different methods of advertising.
Last but not the least, I notice that you have mentioned many times financial freedom and being rich but what is the main value your clients want to be rich? You may want to list down the lifestyle in which most people will dream of having so that they can visualise the pleasure of being successful and want to motivate themselves to work towards it by taking part in your career.
This is all I can think off for the moment…. Hope it is three cents worth. Cheers…
Andy
hmmm, I am here to strike the price, one word to said, whatever your site appeal, through your confidential, it looks good.
Hi Adam,
I did join your mailing list at first through your Old Copy to see what you have to offer. Frankly speaking, both versions are good. But, the New Version will appeal more to me if and alot of numbers to prove that you are successful.
SomethingVeryBig
Hi Adam Khoo,
basically, I think the new one look better and will definitely have a much higher chance to “seal the deal” . Firstly, as it shows the income tax right at the top, and the moment people saw it, it will automatically spark an interest in them and make them want to scroll down and read more about it, esp so with the big amount. As income tax paper can’t and most probably be false, it will do a great job in convincing people about your program.
Overall, the new one is about “showing my results then later sell my products” while the old one is more of “selling my products while showing my results”. Hence the new one is better because people will only buy or go for something that is good and effective and produce the promised results.And your new site done a great job in showcasing to customers how your products/service can work for them and change their life!
Secondly, face it, the society we live in adores and believe in person(like u in instance) which produces extrodinary results . And by showing the income tax thingy on top, thats a very good results slip for potential customers.
Thirdly, with all the supporting articles from Newpaper, Straitstime etc etc it would further convince people that you do practice what you preach and you’re a high achievers, and that will tremendously increase your credibility. Again like I say, its all in the mind,majority of people just adores and respect people which produces extrodinary results(esp kiasu singaporean). And you done quite a great job in promoting that to your potential pool of customers.
Fourthly, with the great bargain aand stuff that is being offered, this will make them feel money well-spent and again, it will contribute to the “seal the deal” factor.
Ok, now come to one bad point about your new site image, after all the evidences and proven results of the super high achiever, I believe that if i were one of those that visited your new site, I’d be curious as to, Hmm..how do this guy look like? No Pic?..Is it maybe he just manage to grab some article, pic and stuff and cook up the site? So yup, i tink all you lack is a nice big picture of you..haha..no kidding..
And preferably 2 pictures, one which is your self-pic (this will also promote you as some people who are lazy to read those words but knows and recognised who Adam Khoo is will be glued longer to your site as people will wondered what a millionaire like u would be doing or selling online..again it contribute to the “Seal the deal factor”)
Now back to the reason for a 2nd photo, a 2nd photo should be a clear one with you taken with your pupils(or shall i say people who come to your seminar) remember, your face in the picture MUST be clear and would be best if there is a large group of people (the larger the better) at the background. This will further convinced that your program is a success and that the overall turn-up is overwhelming. Heard of a phrase before? People attract people, so yup, if there is a large group of people in the pics you stand a better chance in “sealing the deal” because one thing will go straight to the mind of those who saw the picture, It Works!! thats why there is a large turn-up!! otherwise who cares to be there..right?
Lastly if you considered all those that I stated above, my prediction is that you’ll be laughing your way to the bank and hopefully I’ll be seeing you in the future issue of Forbes or Fortune magazine.And not forgetting, if I am the lucky one who walks away with your new book, I be really happy if you can leave your autograph on the book.
Thanks and wishing you all the best!!
Derrick Yeo
I prefer the firat version for the following 2 reasons
1) Compelling headline that already creates a “How-to” benefit for readers.
2) Greater credibility by adding your photo and news articles written about you.
3) I would add a few more “prder now” or click here for instant access sprinkled throughout the webpage to seal the deal faster instead of at te end only.
1. Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more
because you find it interesting?
=>newer one. i feel the emotion since the beginning, the sales copy guide
me step by step to the ‘peak’ emotion [my heart beating getting faster
and faster] so at last i say to myself at last ‘I MUST BUY IT NOW!!!’. by
this is time you reading this, i approach one of my friend who has credit
card… i want to buy it but i don’t have a credit card.
2. Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to
focus on what the message is?
=>newer one, because of it switch between words and picture. not like
older one, begin with words and words and words… boring laa. but one
thing about the colour, i prefer older one with combination colour
between white and gray. the combination colour for newer one between
black and white seems like ‘porn site’. no offense mode [ON].
3. Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
=>newer one. i feel that the position you choose to place the testimony and
explanation of the benefit in newer one makes me know better what
sholud i learn in order to succedd in internet.
4. Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
=>newer one, but one thing i think you should change for your sales copy is
reduce the explanation of each CD’s that i think too long… if i were you,
i will make another link to another page that full describe what will i
learn from the CD ‘OR’ make a ‘go to up’ and ‘go to down’ script so
make easy to read.
5. Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
=>newer one. hmmm….this is COOL Man! BUT….you need to add again in
the newer one your CV in NUS and the add…. IS VERY POWERFUL. cos
what? everyone knows NUS reputable!
Thanx for this opportunity Adam. See you at the Higher Place, See you at the TOP!
Hi Adam
Regarding the both website, I have some response :
Q : Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
A : The original version makes me want to scroll down and read more. It’s much more simple. The important thing is there is a photo of you, means it’s a credible and real person that will teach us reach the millionaire goals.
Q : Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
A : The original copy, mainly it is due to the colour contrast between the copy and the background.Beside, the original one is more aesthetically well balanced and tempts you to read more without being exaggerating.
Q : Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
A : The original copy.This site is created by the person, that have to be there at the front page. The greeting : “Dear Millionaire – To- Be ” is better than ” Dear Friend ” . Everyone, even the hopeless one, have a dream to be rich ( means : millionaire ), but not everyone want to make friend to others, even they are a successful persons ( read : millionaire )
Q : Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
A : In my opinion, the new version did better.I notice that It’s providing a table and checklist to attract more customer.
Q : Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
A : Overally the original version, the story is more flowing,and not pushing the customer too much to close the sales. This is an information and education business. I’m sure all your “customer to be ” will put their order if they find it useful, without exagerating your IRA at the first.
If I could quote : ” People don’t care HOW MUCH YOU KNOW, until they know HOW MUCH YOU CARE ” by : John C. Maxwell
First, you should made the people know, that you REALLY CARE to make them a MILLIONAIRE. In the original version, by showing your photograph with your smiling and relaxing face and greeting others by a millionaire to be, already show that you care to others. Opposite to the new version, with the proof of your IRA at the front page, WHO CARES, while others can make a fake one easily ( not meaning to doubt about your IRA credibility .,
SUGGESTION :
Basicly, I prefer the origin one better than the new one. But, I have a suggestion if you are going to reuse the original version. Just make it a FULLY PAGES as on your new version. Because, at the right side of your photograph have a big blank spot.
Best regards,
Martono – Indonesia
* Which version makes you want to scroll downwards and read some more because you find it interesting?
The colours from rthe second version is definitely more appealing to the eyes but the first version has a more compelling headline.
* Which is more comfortable to the eyes, easier to read and allows you to focus on what the message is?
Neither. Which is a question that I would like to ask. What is your focus for both the websites. Is it tp provide more information to people wanting to buy the resource or to get people to buy?
* Which version builds up and drums the benefits to the reader?
Both versions does the job equally well.
* Which version creates a more compelling offer for the reader?
first version
* Which version ’seals the deal’ and makes the order?
You might want to consider adding more “buy it now icons” or use bundling approach.
very good
Hi Adam,
It’s a really good improvement. I agree a lot with what my friend Adam Wong said above, and here’s my comments from a customer’s point-of-view.
Prefered Headline Colour: Old
Red defintely attracts attention, but for this case, I got put off when too much red is used. The Highlighting of “Millionaire by 26” also seems to lose its effect on me. Perhaps you could bring back the old colours but add red to “Millionaire by 26”
Prefered Headline Words: Old
$936,522 is more impressive than $549,078.40, even though there are fewer digits in the former. I go wow with the latter, but WOW with the former.
Prefered overall header format: New
The proof of your $549,078.40 really kicks ass. The bigger font for the sub-header also makes it more effective. A personal picture of you is not needed.
Prefered sales letter: New
Inserting Mei Mei’s testimonial at the front was very effective in capturing my attention. The overall salesletter is more gripping and seems to portray more value, partly because you added in more words for the Fast Action Bonuses. I liked the “friendlier” old salesletter, but when it comes to putting down my money to buy, I guess the new one will grip my heart more and make me reach out for my credit card.
Perfered website format: Old
The old one is better, hands-down. Its more soothing to the eye and I don’t get put off easily. For the new, while its more striking, its definitely was an overkill for me. I was tempted to skip everything and scroll down all the way to the bottom.
Perfered overall website: New
Considering all the factors, the new one is better, and if the colour formatting can be toned down just a little bit, it’ll be even more impressive.
Hope this has added value to you!
Charles
I like the first one better because I relate more to seeing your face and I don’t wnat to make the effort to reading the graph in the 2nd one.
This is the first internet marketing material that i have patiently read thru in full cos i know you are not a scam… i have seen you in real life b4. the income tax screen makes me want to go thru the website more…
But i am terribly confused by the special offers free gifts here and there… seems there are more than one program that you have on offer… Can you enlighten me what is the difference in them… In the end i chose the most dumb way by getting your book from popular bookstore…
Hi Adam,
I can’t afford your complete programme right now. And find your programme very interesting, and I wish I will win a copie of your bestselling SecretsOf Self-Made Millionaires program. I will pray to get it !
Best regards,
Mario Turcotte
Quebec, Canada
Oops i am so sorry… i have gone thru too many of your sites that i got them mixed up…
The old one is more appealing cos of the background (not black)
still feel the old one is better
Mr. Khoo,
Your site has been an interest to many people and of course an inspiration to those who loved giving positive testimony of their success stories.
your new site’s introducing page is definitely impressive with the after tax revenue showing such a huge amount and it is attractive to the users by the content.
and it is obvious that you have put so much effort in your site’s success and it is visible too…
however…
as i have studied consumer behaviour, i would like to give you small details that will help you manage your siteand make it more user friendly:
1) it would be far better to cut th ewebsite into other webpages in your website with a bar on the left that would guide people to subcategories of your site such as: “publications”, “testimony”, “about me”, “free downloads” and “in press” .. etc.
– this will organize your site and help the users to concentrate on a specific issue and not mix so much the ideas that they are receiving.
– also, it will decrease the feeling of a long reading which is perceived by the left scrollbar that shows how many scrolldowns are left to read.
– users don’t like reading a lot, they prefer being straight to the point, thus this categorization of your site will give them just that.
*- your site has a good way of emphasizing on words and special important key topics by underlining them, changing colour and font type (capital, bold, italic…). congrats!
*- it would be better if you would widen the site’s page… having it in the middle with such a narrow width makes it hard to read and much to scroll down: this irritates customers/readers and they simply scroll down to where pictures are or simply close the site.
*- it would be better to put some of the text in points rather than having them in narrative form, since it would facilitate the keeping of information in the memory and for ease of follow up.
the second version is definitely interesting.. but maybe it would be nice to have your picture on the upper right of the letter’s begining? this would create a feeling as if you are personally talking to the reader and thus create a more personalized offer feeling and most probably the reader would seal the deal by feeling you are an honest person and not some spammer who hides behind the IP address.
i hope i have been helpful,
Sincerely,
Annie